it may have been out of fear.  fear of who i am, what i feel all the time, how i still need to grow up.  cliches, all of them, and they disgust me just a little bit.  maybe i am afraid that i'm just stupid, airy, uninteresting, with no meat or marrow in between brittle bones.

i can't help but want things that i don't have.  why is this?  if i'm with someone, i want someone else.  when i drop someone, i want them back.  and on and on, the vicious cycle, tending to my whims.  i get lonely.  everything is too easy.  

so, for a time, i had two.  was i happy with two?  right now, in the dark and rainy night, i feel like i'm crazy enough to believe that the turmoil between two was a kind of deranged happiness.  never quite comfortable with one situation, careful to tend the other situation and keep it alive, pretend everything is simple.  the tension of knowing (duping myself into believing?) that i wanted something else, that i'd be happier with someting else.  i could have what i want now, or i could have it in increments, slowly, noncomittal, just what i wanted, right??  i WANTED to be alone, didn't i, but i didn't want to be lonely and i could strike that balance.  I don't really know which person I'm talking about.  They are both crazy things.

And now?  Now I am just...unsatisfied, restless.  At least I think I am.  I feel like I'm ready to slip back into the vicious cycle any time.  It's so easy, so easy.  And everytime i get back in it, i want out, i want the stability instead.  i bore myself.  i irritate myself.

but that's not it.  these are merely the views i have of myself when i stand apart and observe the awful system that i've created.  there is hurt, longing, sadness, regret in every decision i've made, even my most recent one, which i know, logically, is the right one.  the feelings need to leave, but i just want it all, i want to have my happiness, my turmoil, my lonliness wrapped up into one.  i feel like i'm living parallel lives just in one life.  

guh..  this shall pass, this shall pass.